So.

I have been firmly planted in the middle of this passage.

Physically and figuratively.

Like I sit at my table reading it over and over.

And then I think about it for minutes at a time over the course of the entire day.

And then I go and read things like this.

"Walking on the water is easy to impulsive pluck, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is a different thing.  Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he followed Him afar off on the land. We do not need the grace of God to stand crises, human nature and pride are sufficient, we can face the strain magnificently; but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint, to go through drudgery as a disciple, to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus.  It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not.  We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in the mean street, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes."

Oswald Chambers

And I am brought to tears.

(Calvin Miller)

The thing about evaluating your scars is that you have to do it with a  filter.  
I want my filter to be forgiveness and hope.
But this is really hard work.
And this work is lasting longer than I think it should.

I have been amazing reclusive as of late.
In part, because I am trying to sort out my hurts.
When I try to associate with people I love I find myself wanting for anything to say.  
There are not a lot of words that I have for regular conversation.

I'm just not super light or what I personally find interesting.

All I care to do is go on bike rides with Rohk, 
play memory with Nav and watch silly tv with Jon.  
These really are the only things I have any interest in doing.

Internally I have so much going on, 
externally this is all I have energy for.

And I have given myself permission that this is ok and it is good.

There are no real timelines for healing - only approximates.