"Thou dost love me still, in spite of my hard heart, 

ingratitude, distrust."

Some people have prayer closets and 

some wake up super early in the morning to pray.

Me, I take really long showers.

My most profound moments with God are in the privacy and 

isolation of my ugly, toy filled, shower.

Much of my absence from this space recently has been do to the fact 

that I am having some major wrestling's with my life.

My health has given me some major restrictions that I loathe, 

my past years of poverty haunt me and while crying out to God in the shower one day I blurted out,

"I don't want a saviour.  I want to be my own saviour. 

I'm tired of running to You for help."

"Thy goodness has been with me another year, 

leading me through a twisting wilderness, 

in retreat helping me to advance, 

when beaten back making sure headway."

I have had the thought I am just like the Isrealites wandering in the dessert.  God keeps showing up, doing amazing miracles, saving them, and again and again they complain, turning their backs on the Lord who is in the process of saving them.

That's me.

I could fill a novel with how God has rescued me and my 

family from harm and heart ache.

And here I sit, 

questioning where God is in this moment of life,

doubting his care and love for me,

telling Him that I don't want to need him.

Because I don't want to be perceived as lazy and idle.

And that is at the root of it all.

"Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial, as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use."

It matters a great deal to me that I not considered lazy.

And I feel like I live in a society that expects so much from me.

And I am incapable.  I can't.

I'm supposed to work outside the home for money or at the very least a home-based business, be at all the school events my child is in, drive a new car, live in a new house but for sure not in a "starter" home, have a home worthy of HGTV, volunteer at my child's school, have a lovely lawn, a clean house, polite children with good manners, a happy marriage, happy children, money for vacations to hot locations, get a membership to the gym, go to church, volunteer at church, join a small group, visit family across Canada, get the laundry done, walk the dog, make healthy meals, nightly reading with my kids, make sure fun family time is happening, keep up relationships with friends. Sports!  My kids need to be in sports or music or a church group...

Typing this I feel the pressure to perform.

And it makes me want to go to work and start checking of this list.

I'm serious.  I feel the pressure.

Obviously getting job would be the first thing and I have looked.

Many times.

Because it would be super awesome to have more money.

Life would look a lot different with more money!

But every.  Single.  Time.

God tells me no.

No.

It's not time yet.

And I want to fight Him because I can make money!

What is staying at home doing?!

But I listen because Jesus loves me the most and I 

know I can trust Him.

He has shown himself to be so faithful, 

over and over again.

So back to my confession to God.

"But you desire honesty from the heart so you can teach me to be wise in my innermost being."

I know my confession is safe in God's care.

Once my sin is confessed, He is able to start doing a work on my soul.  Living in denial or ignorance does not allow the glory of God to be revealed.

This is my deepest hope.

"Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world, 

and in love didst redeem my soul"

When I pull back my doubts about God and my anxieties about the future this is what I know.

God always shows me the next step.

When I trust him with the details of my life, move and listen for His direction as I walk down any given path, I know he will tell me the next turn I need to take.

And what He thinks of me is more important than if 

someone thinks I am lazy for being a stay at home woman 

serving her family.

I need a saviour.

I cannot do this life on my own.

Left to my own devices I would make a mess of it.

And I have. And will again.

But how wonderful is forgiveness that is never ending.

Amen.