I was in our local election this year, running for school board trustee.  I shut down my blog during that time because I didn't want there to be access to some of the words I have typed here because this space is, for the most part, very unfiltered. I did not want my name to be Googled, this blog pop up, and the time I dropped of TONNE of F-bombs during our bankruptcy to be quoted and printed in The Carillon. (Our local newspaper)

I know there are a faithful few that keep checking back here to see if I have posted anything and were all of a sudden greeted with message essentially saying "Go away"

Going into 2019 maybe I feel like blogging again.

I think I do??

There are thoughts swirling in my head and the best way I know to process them is to type them out in a way that makes sense if someone else might read them.  It's a different way of processing than journaling.  With journaling it's basically my thoughts barfed on paper, they don't need to make sense, they just need to get out of my head and heart.  With blogging, my thoughts and emotions need to make sense typed out.  That's why blogging during our bankruptcy was so helpful to me.  This space helped me make sense of my life.

This sounds ridiculous to myself, but I'm not used to loosing.  Typically when I set out to do something I get it done and life carries on with my plan put into place.   I choose to do things I believe I can accomplish and succeed at and thus, I don't loose.

That sounds so dumb typed out...  it is what it is.

When I set out to be elected as a school board trustee I knew there was not a guarantee of success.   My future was in the hands of voters and there is never any feed back.  But I believed in the reason I was running for and I had peace about it being the right thing to do. 

So when I lost, last place thank you very much!, I had no way of processing the loss. And it wasn't like loosing at a game of basketball or Dutch Blitz.

The City of Steinbach rejected me.

They rejected my idea's for helping immigrants.

I wasn't good enough.

Just me.

Rejected.

This was an amazing dish that I made for my Foodie Club.

IT WAS SO BAD!!!

It's a jellied gazpacho and it was horrible.

So wrong on so many levels.

Everyone has made fun of me ever since about this placenta on a plate and I laugh because it was so gross and so funny!!

In a way, what I made was rejected and I have been ridiculed, and rightfully so! But this was for a fun event with some of my very best friends, not my heart for immigrants put before a city for approval.  Just a surprising choice of homemade tomato jello.

 I put this picture on the cards I handed out during the election.  My friend Anna was kind and generous and took it for me.  My friend Tracy helped me tweak my final card and went door to door with me for HOURS handing them out.  My friend Shannon did my radio interview and wrote my SteinbachOnline article and made that process painless and fun. After my radio interview and article were published there were some angry and confused people.  My friends Ashleigh, Jordan and Andrew stepped up online and shut things down on my behalf when people were being idiotic and cruel online.  My friend Erin was so faithful in sending me text messages and emails when my grammar needed correcting in my posts - something that I asked her to do and needed desperately. I can't even list all the names of friends and family that supported and promoted me online and asked to hand out my cards.

Sue got into verbal sparring matches with family on my behalf.

Chris & Leah handed out cards and were key people in supporting me while processing if I was going to run or not.

I'm sure I am missing so so many people that need a shout out.

I love all of you.

Approximately 700 of my cards were handed out.

I got 669 votes.

That's not to shabby!

Google tells me that this is the definition of rejection.

the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

• the spurning of a person's affections.

  
  

  
  

Rejections sucks.

Rejection has birthed a strange type of insecurity in me these last few months.

It is so easy for me to fixate on all the big and small ways I get rejected all the time.  Ways that 3 months ago I would have brushed off without much processing needed at all. 

A coffee date cancelled.

A meal not praised.

A text message not responded to.

An I love you not returned.

A hug not offered.

A thank you not extended

Good gravy.

Can we all say very loudly

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NEEDY??!!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And I really don't know.

Cause I don't like these responses I am having.

They are unfamiliar to me.

I am more independent than this.

2018.

My church was shut down.  I loved my church family.  I still do. My heart aches for what I have lost.

My cherished friends moved away.  I loved them.  I still do.  

My heart aches for what I have lost.

My plan to help immigrants integrate into our public schools was rejected.  I love my ideas.  I still do.

My heart aches from the personal rejection and what that vote told our immigrant population that were cheering me on.

My precious friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  I love her.  My heart aches for what she must endure.

2018.

My husband has a desk job, his vertigo is WAY better and his back is significantly improved.  

Naveed is having the best year ever in school and loves middle school.

We were able to go on a mini summer vacation with my parents and go to Meadow Lake for Christmas.  Two holidays in one year.  A first EVER for our family.

I was able to get my A1C back down again and figured out a new strategy for managing my diabetes without medication.

Riding my bike everywhere is my happy place and I love my new mode of daily transportation.  Going down to one vehicle has been the best thing for me and my kids.  Walking to school everyday is my favourite.

I have never in all my life drunk so much red wine or eaten more sourdough bread.

I decided to stop dying my hair.

My family has started playing games for frequently and we have never laughed so much together.

2019.

From Valley of Vision

O Love beyond Compare,

Thou art good when thou givest,when thou takest away,when the sun shines upon me,when night gathers over me.Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,and in love didst redeem my soul;Thou dost love me still,in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.Thy goodness has been with me another year,leading me through a twisting wilderness,in retreat helping me to advance,when beaten back making sure headway.Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;I hoist sail and draw up anchor,With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,thou wilt be with me in them;If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,I shall not drown;If I am to die,I shall see thy face the sooner;If a painful end is to be my lot,grant me grace that my faith fail not;If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,I can make no stipulation;Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.