Summer has been delightful

It is going down as my favourite one in years.

The proof, I have no pictures of it!

The kids play outside for hours and hours with the neighbourhood gang (no joke. it's a gang.), coming in long enough to tattle or get freezies for everyone on the yard.  The hose is on for hours and my yard is covered in toys and clothing from children who strip without reservation.  "It's hot. I'm taking off my shorts!"  Rohk has relished in the availability of friends after a school year of hanging out with his mom for most hours of his day.  Naveed has warmed up to the idea of summer holidays, but it took her a few weeks to see the glory of late nights and sleeping in.

About 2 times a week my children get an earful for disobeying or being mean to each other or whatever else a 5 & 8 year old get in trouble for, groundings happen and bedroom doors are slammed.  I hate going to bed those nights because I would rather our days be filled with perfection.  Silly, I know, but still what I would hope for.

It has been a summer with flurries of friends and family followed by days and days of solitude.  Hours of watching tv with my honey, making fun of commercials and laughing with him.

This summer has been full of much introspection and coming to some conclusions about myself versus the previous months of introspection that just lead to more introspection.

 It has also been a summer full of Doctor Who novels, music from the late 90's & early 2000's, watching cable tv and completing sewing projects I started years ago.

Tomorrow my girly turns 9!

She is so excited and so am I!

Time to get going on the party preparations.  She has the entire day planned out and I need to get my butt in gear to make it all happen.

My Pondering's on Friendship

(in no specific order)

Do you find friendship perplexing at times and then other times it comes so naturally it's like breathing?
I sure do.

I am going to let my friends down and they are going to let me down.  But this does not need to mean the end of a beautiful thing.

Or maybe it does.
Circumstance dictates this I suppose.
The good ones operate with grace at it's heart.
That's what I think.


I don't believe in fighting with friends.
I don't see the point.
I fight with Jon, my parents, my sister and 
occasionally Jon's parents!
I'll fight you if you push me, but 99 times out of 100,
I won't start a fight with a friend.
If you do something that I react to in anger, 
I evaluate what it was that angered me, 
is it something I can move past from, 
if it's so outrageous that I can't get past it, 
I'm probably not friends with you anymore.
Friends are friends.
Friends are not spouses and they are not family.
They fill a different role in my life.
And I don't think this is a complete thought.
It feels like it has gaps in logic to me.
I will continue to sort this one out.


When I am extroverted, I am a very different friend from when I am introverted.  So if you met me in a extroverted phase of life, 
I might be very confusing to you these days.
Sorry about that, it's truly nothing personal.


I like my introverted self better than my extroverted self.
I am more at peace with who I am.
I'm not running from myself.
And I hope this makes me a better friend.
I wore extroverted-ness as a type of armour.
It kept me safe in battle but now, the battle is over.
Time to take it off and see the real me.
Flitting around groups used to be fun but now I find groups really hard.  I don't know where I fit.  It takes great effort.
One on one is my sweet spot.
Pop-in's are my favourite.


Not to my credit, 
I have to easily put friends on pedestals.
What they have said about me has mattered more than what 
Jesus says about me or what I know about me.
To many times I have given friends authority in my life that I should have never given.


It struck me this week that you can give your heart to your friends in Godly ways and un-Godly ways.
Sorrow has always followed when un-Godly ties are made.
What I mean by that is when what a person says matter's more than what Jesus says.

(I found this printable while making a gift for one of my 
dearest friends.)

You can get it here


It occurred to me that for some friendships, 
I will never be a safe place.  At first this saddened me but the more I think about it, the more I am ok with this thought.
There are many friends I have in my life that I truly love with all my friend-heart, but they might not be safe for me in regards to certain struggles or sorrows.
It does not reflect poorly on them or me.
We can't be everything for everybody!
I feel very liberated!

 This season of formulating my own beliefs vs ones I have taken on but have not owned, has been hard work.
The topic of friendship has come up often in my emails, conversations, prayers and thoughts.
They have been some of my most cherished emails 
and conversations I have ever had.  
For my dearest ones, I know where I stand and 
this means so much to me.

I found this here once upon a time.... I think

 

My tv watching as of late has been a show called 

Raiders of the Lost Art

It's great.

Every episode is basically a mini lesson given on an artist who has had art stolen because of it's value.

Vermeer is my favourite so far.

Here are some of his paintings!

(all pictures are from here )

What I think matters to me.

I don't want to have wrong thinking.

So these last weeks I have found myself swirling around 

two topics in my mind.

Like I'm actually sure if you looked into my brain you would see an actual whirl pool of these two thoughts going 

around and around and around and around and around.....

And my emotions are swirling to match.

So last night, I wrote them down on a piece of paper, 

said a prayer of submission and trust that all of my 

worries and my doubts rested in Christ, 

and then I burned it.

And as I was falling asleep 

(These topics have wrecked my sleep for weeks now because I can't fall asleep for thinking about them.  True story.)

when these topics threatened to steal my sleep,

I remembered that Jesus knows my heart.

I can trust him.

And I remembered the smoke rising from my burned worries and I imagined them wafting up to heaven, 

where Jesus is taking care of them now.

Here are all the articles I have read about the topics troubling my heart and mind.  Along with talking to some amazing people in my life, these articles have brought me to resolution in my mind and heart. 

Home Complicated Home

Dear White Christian Women

A Prayer of the Heart in 30 Words or Less

When You're Accustomed to Privilege, Equality Feels Like Oppression

The Problem With Saying "All Lives Matter"

"Can I come to your church? I'm gay."

The Gay Issue Revisited

I love giving my kids my camera and then seeing the pictures they take.  Nav took the one above and the next two.

These ones are Rohk's.

We went for a little bike ride down Main St. while preparations were being made Steinbach's annual summer event.

Summer In The City.

We had some treats while we watched.

On Saturday the four of us got our ride bracelets and went on as many rides as possible.

Sort of.

Nav and Jon did.

Rohk and me could probably get tickets next time.

My camera was next to the water bottles and the first pictures on the Ferris wheel were foggy.  

The weekend before we were at White Lake with Jon's parents.

I feel that it's good to try things, 

say you did them and then next time, 

do it differently.

Also, we have a mouse problem.

So for we have trapped 2, at least one more to go,

My house has been a version of the above picture for almost a week now.  A wonderful friend just dropped off a different solution to this problem.  I really hope it works!!

Happy Friday everyone!!

We can disagree about everything and still treat 

each other with kindness.

(I read that somewhere.  Now I can't find it.)

This about wraps up my thoughts about all things that cause contention when it comes to matters of people following other religions and alternative lifestyles from my own.

"Alternative lifestyles"

Is that even politically correct to say??

I will need to look into that.

Anyway.

The way I see it, pointing angry fingers at the 

"other side" and throwing around put downs at 

people living lives differently from ours, 

is not helping anybody.

I can't make you change your mind about (fill in the blank)

and you can't make me change my mind about (fill in the blank)

And everything ends up in one big angry brawl of words and actions.  Nobody is winning.

I get to treat every single human being on this earth with dignity and respect and kindness without ANY agenda other than that.

That never ever violates anything anyone believes in.

I probably disagree with you about a tonne of stuff.

Where do you want to begin?

Marriage?

(If you are a christian,one man and one woman for life.  

If you are not - it's totally up to you what you do)

Parenting?

(I'm winging it here folks)

Breastfeeding in public?

(Feed as you need to ladies.  Bottle, breast, wherever)

Organic food?

(If I could, 100 mile diet is the best option.  But I totally buy GMO canola oil and tuna in a can.)

Birthcontrol?

(Yes to pills and such, no to abortion)

Egalitarianism?

(Sign me up!)

LGBT

(If you are not a Christian, do as you please!

If you are a Christian, it's not ok.)

Feminism?

(I find it so fascinating and it informs much of my decisions but really, what is feminism?  First wave, second wave, third wave, fourth wave...    

Still, love to all the feminists.) 

Swearing?

(Yes.  But not like a sailor)

One way to heaven?

(Yes.  Jesus only.)

Speaking in tongues?

(Yes.)

Politics?

(I just pray for Justin to have wisdom and strength.  

And for Trump not to win.)

Pre-marital sex?

(Nope.  Save it for the wedding night.)

I can bet you money that no matter who you are, 

chances are good, 

we will not see eye to eye on a lot of these topics.

And I am so comfortable with that.

Like my favourite pj's comfortable.

You don't need to agree with me.

And I really don't need to agree with you.

Lots of the people I love the MOST would disagree with me on a number of the topics I list above.

I don't need to be surrounded by people that think 

and act exactly like me.  

I don't need to be with people who only want to 

change what I think/believe about any given topic.

Accepting differences is a part of life.

We can discuss our differences but not from a defensive posture because that does nothing.

Maybe talking about how we are different better informs what we already believe.

Maybe it shifts what we think.

Those are both good things as far as I am concerned!

I am truly saddened for the lives that were taken 

in Florida this week, for their families and friends.  

I am so sad for the entire LGBT community and what they endure.

I am so sad for all Muslims that are unjustly targeted because of this.

Sadness stirs deep in my heart for the entire situation.

It's really really heartbreaking to think about.

No matter what anyone thinks or believes, 

each community needs to be treated with 

respect, dignity and kindness, 

absent of any agenda.  

My last days of high school are tainted by memories of working in a fruit stand.  It was my third summer working there and before I started for that summer, I knew it was a wrong decision.

God had told me not to work there.

Loudly.

And I totally ignored Him.

Rebellion.

To this day, I have huge regret about not listening to my 

kind heavenly father.

Because what happened in those weeks there have been repercussions that have haunted me ever since.

Being the innocent 18 year old I was, 

(No joke - super innocent.  Point of Grace was my favourite band.)

(Also, I went to school in Ontario when OAC's were a thing.  

Also known as, Grade 13, so that explains my age)

I had no concept of being cautious or guarded with certain types of people.

And my bosses were people that I needed to keep at arm's length.

Instead, I sacrificed real friendships with peers for time with them.  

-

My mom was over yesterday and we were talking about my last post.  She figured that I for sure needed to ask God what my wounding was that would cause me to have such a strong reaction to people putting absolutes on me.

(Our private conversation was not as vague so she got the nitty gritty details.)

And my confession here is that I really don't want to ask God.

Because it feels like work and I would rather hold onto my pain and justify my sense of injustice.

I don't want to ask God to help me. 

What if he ignores my request and is silent?

What if he asks me to do something really hard?

However.

My mom is right.

So I half heartedly, with minuscule faith, with a reluctant inner posture, approached my heavenly dad and said:

"I have no idea what to say or to pray.  I'm tired and I don't want to do the work of figuring out my wounding.  I keep thinking that I don't want to ask for you for help and then I keep coming back to I really need your help.  I believe, help my unbelief."

I do not presume to know much about anything.

Especially the ways of God.

I do know he is kind.

And he loves me.

In spite of my hard heart, ingratitude and rebellion.

He is faithful.

So back to my bosses from the fruit stand.

They were Christians so I trusted them.

Because they were older than me, I trusted them.

My assumption was that I was safe in the relationship.

Until the wife started telling me things she never should have.

And in my naivete I thought I was just a really good friend for listening.  The thing is, I was not equipped to deal with confessions of illicit sexual behaviour or for "lesson's on loosing weight" that were really just ways to be anorexic.  I had no idea what to do when she told me about being raped.  I had no ability to process what she was talking about. 

And this was all very secret.

Just between her and me.

Because I was one of her best friends.

So I wanted out.

Because I knew it was time to run for the hills.

This was not a good situation and I could feel it in my bones.

The first time I quit at the fruit stand I was guilted into not quitting.

There is a vague memory of sitting in a Second Cup for a staff meeting, giving my notice and being shamed in front of all the employees.  The one line that stands out was from the wife "I knew you were going to quit."

Her guilt trip totally worked on me.

I stayed.

The second time I quit, this happened.

Me:  I am going to be a camp counsellor for the rest of the summer, this is my two weeks notice.

Boss: God will never bless you because you are not finishing the race you started here.  You will not bless those kids because you did not finish here.

Me: I am still going to be a counsellor and this is my two weeks notice.

BUT! I totally internalized his words and I wondered if he was right.  Because I trusted him.

 

Now how does this story make any sense in relation to a post about people owning their own shit?!

Let me explain.

I have issues with letting people control my life.

Because I don't trust myself in new situations, I readily give control over to those that I think know more.

Because I don't trust my abilities, I readily let other's tell me what to do.

Because I doubt my relationship with God, I let other's tell me what a Christian is or is not.

At the core, I don't see me how Jesus sees me and I think that other people are more worthy or knowledgeable than me so I just trust them.

And it get's me in big trouble.

Because I can't take it for long and then I lash out.

Big time.

So when I hear sweeping statement's of "Everyone..." my natural inclination is to believe the statement.

But then my wounding shows up and I get super defensive.

Cause my bosses are not the only people I let have such influence over my life.  There have been a few.

At this moment I feel the need to give some examples of what I mean by controlling.   Because sometimes control is insidious and manipulative and other times it's way more obvious.

My fruit stand bosses, without asking, took money off my cheques to go towards tuition for a bible school they thought I needed to attend.

Guilt trips are a means of getting control.

Anger can be used as a means of control.

Confronting a "fellow believer" to point out a sin in there life can be a way of gaining control.

Telling a person who they are, who they should be and who they are not can be a way of controlling a person.

I have given people power to speak things over me and take liberties that I never should have. 

In my experience, the people in my life who speak in grand sweeping absolutes, are the ones who want to silence me, change me and tell me that I am not good enough.

My knee-jerk response is from my wounding.

Maybe hashing it out here will bring some healing.

I dreamt last night that I was sitting in a coffee shop, having a coffee with a person that has really hurt me.  I was pretending to have a great time.  I looked out the window and the coffee shops name was Dignity.  All of a sudden I was at the window and there was some peeling paint around the window, so I picked at it.  Instead of making it worse, it looked better.

Dignity.

the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect

If I don't treat myself with dignity I won't require it of others.

This has been on my window for the last few weeks.

Amen.