My sweet boy is currently playing cops & bad-guy with the boy next door.  Rohk just got pulled over for a loose headlight and needed to put his hands in the air. I laughed.

This morning I called our local organisation that takes care of people with disabilities.  The old man that waits to be picked up for work was left standing on the corner for over an hour.  I don't think they were expecting him, he has been gone for months.  After I hung up the phone, I went over to him as he was getting very agitated, informed him that his ride was coming and he settled immediately.

Nav has not been sleeping well and I find her on the couch more often then I would prefer.   Last night she informed me that her bed is very uncomfortable.  So today I have removed the box spring in hopes that this will bring more comfort.  That box spring was in horrible shape - no wonder she was not sleeping well!!

My Foodie girls will celebrate the end of our 8th-ish year.  I always forget what month and year we started in.  Last year was a doozey and I am looking forward to a new year, just the 5 of us.  I love the meal I have chosen for this year and I am looking forward to what the rest have chosen.   Foodie Club has been a constant in my life for so long, I cannot imagine my life without those women.  Last year conversation seemed more surface and laughter did not come as easily.  Now, I know why, and am hopeful that a night of lingering at Brazen will fix a lot of not spoken life being lived and needed to be shared conversations.

I am pretty sure that is a run-on sentence but it takes me so bloody long to type my thoughts I am just going to leave it.

In liturgical churches there are seasons that are followed and I keep thinking that my life right now is in green season.  Normal, everyday living.  It's not super glamorous or terribly interesting.  But I think it's important, just the same.

It's important that I make peace with my pant's size, encourage my kids to not give up when they are frustrated with things they are creating, that I sit and watch TV with Jon at the end of the day & make sure he has mayo for his sandwiches, when my grandpa come by that I am available to help him with his iPhone and when my mom comes to town that I am available for a quick trip to MCC.  They are such mundane things but they are of the greatest value and they matter.

When I was a teenager I used to spend hours walking alone, listening to my disc-man, praying.  Often those times were followed by creating something, anything really, and listening to more music.   I did not have a tonne of friends but that ones I did have, I cherished.

Somewhere between 26 & 27 I became someone utterly different.

And at 35 I imploded.

Because I am not created to be super busy and super social.

I am not a Martha.

I am a Mary.

Recently I have been reading about Enneagrams and upon figuring out my number (1 for those who are interested) I have been able to name and recognise shame and it has changed my world.  I carry a lot of shame for not being able to be who I was from 27 until 35.

Because she was amazing.

She did so much stuff and accomplished things I can't even begin to imagine today.

A part of me wishes to still be her.

But I'm not.

And I was not created to be her.

She was really angry a lot of the time, a control freak, arrogant, often unkind and running from her life all the time.

Praise Jesus I am not that woman anymore.

My heart is more tender and sensitive than I care to admit but after spending so many years being calloused, feeling pain is better than always being angry.

Anyway.  I guess this post is more for me than for you the reader but I think I have lost all my readers and this is more like a journal type thing.