I was in our local election this year, running for school board trustee.  I shut down my blog during that time because I didn't want there to be access to some of the words I have typed here because this space is, for the most part, very unfiltered. I did not want my name to be Googled, this blog pop up, and the time I dropped of TONNE of F-bombs during our bankruptcy to be quoted and printed in The Carillon. (Our local newspaper)

I know there are a faithful few that keep checking back here to see if I have posted anything and were all of a sudden greeted with message essentially saying "Go away"

Going into 2019 maybe I feel like blogging again.

I think I do??

There are thoughts swirling in my head and the best way I know to process them is to type them out in a way that makes sense if someone else might read them.  It's a different way of processing than journaling.  With journaling it's basically my thoughts barfed on paper, they don't need to make sense, they just need to get out of my head and heart.  With blogging, my thoughts and emotions need to make sense typed out.  That's why blogging during our bankruptcy was so helpful to me.  This space helped me make sense of my life.

This sounds ridiculous to myself, but I'm not used to loosing.  Typically when I set out to do something I get it done and life carries on with my plan put into place.   I choose to do things I believe I can accomplish and succeed at and thus, I don't loose.

That sounds so dumb typed out...  it is what it is.

When I set out to be elected as a school board trustee I knew there was not a guarantee of success.   My future was in the hands of voters and there is never any feed back.  But I believed in the reason I was running for and I had peace about it being the right thing to do. 

So when I lost, last place thank you very much!, I had no way of processing the loss. And it wasn't like loosing at a game of basketball or Dutch Blitz.

The City of Steinbach rejected me.

They rejected my idea's for helping immigrants.

I wasn't good enough.

Just me.

Rejected.

This was an amazing dish that I made for my Foodie Club.

IT WAS SO BAD!!!

It's a jellied gazpacho and it was horrible.

So wrong on so many levels.

Everyone has made fun of me ever since about this placenta on a plate and I laugh because it was so gross and so funny!!

In a way, what I made was rejected and I have been ridiculed, and rightfully so! But this was for a fun event with some of my very best friends, not my heart for immigrants put before a city for approval.  Just a surprising choice of homemade tomato jello.

 I put this picture on the cards I handed out during the election.  My friend Anna was kind and generous and took it for me.  My friend Tracy helped me tweak my final card and went door to door with me for HOURS handing them out.  My friend Shannon did my radio interview and wrote my SteinbachOnline article and made that process painless and fun. After my radio interview and article were published there were some angry and confused people.  My friends Ashleigh, Jordan and Andrew stepped up online and shut things down on my behalf when people were being idiotic and cruel online.  My friend Erin was so faithful in sending me text messages and emails when my grammar needed correcting in my posts - something that I asked her to do and needed desperately. I can't even list all the names of friends and family that supported and promoted me online and asked to hand out my cards.

Sue got into verbal sparring matches with family on my behalf.

Chris & Leah handed out cards and were key people in supporting me while processing if I was going to run or not.

I'm sure I am missing so so many people that need a shout out.

I love all of you.

Approximately 700 of my cards were handed out.

I got 669 votes.

That's not to shabby!

Google tells me that this is the definition of rejection.

the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

• the spurning of a person's affections.

  
  

  
  

Rejections sucks.

Rejection has birthed a strange type of insecurity in me these last few months.

It is so easy for me to fixate on all the big and small ways I get rejected all the time.  Ways that 3 months ago I would have brushed off without much processing needed at all. 

A coffee date cancelled.

A meal not praised.

A text message not responded to.

An I love you not returned.

A hug not offered.

A thank you not extended

Good gravy.

Can we all say very loudly

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NEEDY??!!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And I really don't know.

Cause I don't like these responses I am having.

They are unfamiliar to me.

I am more independent than this.

2018.

My church was shut down.  I loved my church family.  I still do. My heart aches for what I have lost.

My cherished friends moved away.  I loved them.  I still do.  

My heart aches for what I have lost.

My plan to help immigrants integrate into our public schools was rejected.  I love my ideas.  I still do.

My heart aches from the personal rejection and what that vote told our immigrant population that were cheering me on.

My precious friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  I love her.  My heart aches for what she must endure.

2018.

My husband has a desk job, his vertigo is WAY better and his back is significantly improved.  

Naveed is having the best year ever in school and loves middle school.

We were able to go on a mini summer vacation with my parents and go to Meadow Lake for Christmas.  Two holidays in one year.  A first EVER for our family.

I was able to get my A1C back down again and figured out a new strategy for managing my diabetes without medication.

Riding my bike everywhere is my happy place and I love my new mode of daily transportation.  Going down to one vehicle has been the best thing for me and my kids.  Walking to school everyday is my favourite.

I have never in all my life drunk so much red wine or eaten more sourdough bread.

I decided to stop dying my hair.

My family has started playing games for frequently and we have never laughed so much together.

2019.

From Valley of Vision

O Love beyond Compare,

Thou art good when thou givest,when thou takest away,when the sun shines upon me,when night gathers over me.Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,and in love didst redeem my soul;Thou dost love me still,in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.Thy goodness has been with me another year,leading me through a twisting wilderness,in retreat helping me to advance,when beaten back making sure headway.Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;I hoist sail and draw up anchor,With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,thou wilt be with me in them;If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,I shall not drown;If I am to die,I shall see thy face the sooner;If a painful end is to be my lot,grant me grace that my faith fail not;If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,I can make no stipulation;Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

  

     

    

So.

Handing a bible to a random person in the hopes that it will 

"win" a lost soul over to Jesus is really naive at best and disrespectful at worst.

I know that it is done with the best of intentions.

But I keep having to apologise for your behaviour,

explain why you did that and distance myself from you.

I wrestle because I really love Jesus, with everything I am, and it feels wrong not defending what you have done.  Like I am betraying Christ by not condoning what you have done.

But handing a bible to a person is not spreading the gospel.

It's handing out a book to a person, who did not ask for one, with the assumption that all the answers for life are found in the bible if they would only read it.

(Side note: This is true, all answers are in the bible, but it is also not true.  The bible is a complicated book with nuance, truth and culture.  It was written over centuries and there is a reason people spend entire careers dedicated to understanding it and teaching the rest of us about what they figured out.  Just handing out a bible without any relationship or teaching about it makes little sense to me.)

In the year 2017, handing a bible out to a person (you have just met!)because you know they do not follow Jesus puts me in a really awkward position if I am friends with that person.

Especially when their response is anger.

Especially when I agree that anger is the appropriate response.

It seems to me that blindly handing out a bible 

carries a level of arrogance from the giver.  

The assumption is that everyone wants what you have, 

they just don't know it yet, so you can open their eyes. 

The unbeliever must be dumb and need convincing so they understand.

Assumptions are made about what a person believes and what their history with Jesus is.

And what exactly do you believe about the 
bible & life if your answer to hearing someones beliefs is to hand them a book and walk away?


This begs the question, Rachelle, 
what do YOU believe about the bible?

Good question!!

Truthfully, I have thought long and hard about this.
There was not an immediate response that jumped to mind.
Sunday school answers, yes.
But soul answers? That has taken some time.


Good or bad, 
right or wrong, 
this is what I believe about the bible.



1) It's a complicated book.

2) Because it's complicated I believe it 
can be misinterpreted and often is.  

3) This leads me think that ordinary lay people should not approach it thinking they can understand anything in it.

4) I disagree with point 3 on some levels but I do believe it.

5) The bible was written by humans.  Humans make mistakes and are affected by culture.  Many things in the bible are cultural truths, not eternal truths.

6)  God does not need the bible to speak to me.  But he sure does use it anyway.  With that said, it's usual by other people explaining it to me.

7)  Everything I think and believe must 
hold up to what the bible says is true.

8)  Some books of the bible are metaphor or stories, 
not actual events.

9)  The bible says that God holds all my tears in a bottle and I love that picture.  It speaks so much to me about who God is and how much he cares about me.  I need the bible to teach about the character of God.
(You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8)

10) It's scary to read the bible, because I might get it wrong.  What if I misinterpret it?  I don't trust myself to get it right.

So reading the Psalms is a safe place to go for me.

These are some of my thoughts.

Incomplete as they are, I will hit publish because this is taking a very very long time to wrestle through.

And dinner needs making, hugs given and laundry folded.  

Fidelity.

I often have single words pop into my head for no reason that I can figure out.  Yesterday, it was fidelity.

Usually when words pop in, they leave just as quickly.

But I have been pondering this word.

Google kindly gave me this definition.

"faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support"

When I die, I hope that fidelity is used to describe me.

About my marriage.

My faith.

My family.

My friendships.

Look at those cute little poultry!

I gave them to my mom for mother's day.

So, I am going to attempt blogging on a more regular basis with the sole intent being, when I go to apply for jobs in September I will put this blog on my resume.

And then they will read this blog, be dazzled by all things ME and hire me?????

I think it's a plan.

And I need a plan.

So I am going to run with it.

Yesterday Nav had 3 little friends over from school to celebrate the end of school.  The original plan was to put our tent outside, have a fire and roast wieners & marshmallows.

Well, it was very overcast so I went to plan B!

I set up the tent in the dining room!!

My favourite part of the afternoon was when they zipped up the tent and started playing Truth Or Dare, forgetting that I could hear everything.

Smores were made in the oven, giggles were abundant and everyone went home smiling.

It's a little fuzzy but I wanted you to see how HUGE those messy messy smores were!!

Today is Rohk's turn for a friend party.

The tent has been left up, he wanted to get all his friends recorders from the dollar store, eat ice cream and play video games.  So that is what we will do this afternoon!

   

I love that I can walk to school with my kids.

The sun shining, birds chirping, mini-vans racing by.

We move slowly.

It's a beautiful thing.

It takes a lot of effort on my part to protect a peaceful & calm morning.  Racing and fretting comes very naturally to me.  So I keep us on a schedule.  A gentle one, but one none the less.

TV until 8am.

Breakfast at the table.

Get Dressed, comb your hair.

Out the door around 8:30.

In that time I have a few cups of coffee, make Nav's lunch, shower, get dressed, tell the kids to stop fighting.

It works.

Next year Rohk is in grade 1 and I am at a loss.

Well.  That's not true.

I am holding onto my worries and fears very tightly and I believe that I am not fully surrendering them to Christ.

Because I don't want my life as I love it to change.

I like being home with my children.

I like being available.

I love the freedom I have.

I love that availability I have for relationships.

I really love so much about my life.

But money.

Wouldn't it be lovely to have more money?!

For a bigger house.  Because let's be honest folks, in a few more years my children won't be able to stand upright in their rooms.  Technically their bedrooms are storage because of the ceiling height.

Money.

For dental work, vacations.

My job, that I don't get paid for, is an important one.

Real meals, a listening ear, a hug, making coffee in the morning, bike rides, sitting at swimming lessons, getting the truck in for repairs, volunteering at church and school, being available when my grandpa stops in for help with his iPhone, support for my husband when work has been hard.

In the end, these are the coins I am holding so tightly.

Surrender is the only way.

In your mercy, hear the prayers and longings of my heart Lord Jesus.

Amen.

My sweet boy is currently playing cops & bad-guy with the boy next door.  Rohk just got pulled over for a loose headlight and needed to put his hands in the air. I laughed.

This morning I called our local organisation that takes care of people with disabilities.  The old man that waits to be picked up for work was left standing on the corner for over an hour.  I don't think they were expecting him, he has been gone for months.  After I hung up the phone, I went over to him as he was getting very agitated, informed him that his ride was coming and he settled immediately.

Nav has not been sleeping well and I find her on the couch more often then I would prefer.   Last night she informed me that her bed is very uncomfortable.  So today I have removed the box spring in hopes that this will bring more comfort.  That box spring was in horrible shape - no wonder she was not sleeping well!!

My Foodie girls will celebrate the end of our 8th-ish year.  I always forget what month and year we started in.  Last year was a doozey and I am looking forward to a new year, just the 5 of us.  I love the meal I have chosen for this year and I am looking forward to what the rest have chosen.   Foodie Club has been a constant in my life for so long, I cannot imagine my life without those women.  Last year conversation seemed more surface and laughter did not come as easily.  Now, I know why, and am hopeful that a night of lingering at Brazen will fix a lot of not spoken life being lived and needed to be shared conversations.

I am pretty sure that is a run-on sentence but it takes me so bloody long to type my thoughts I am just going to leave it.

In liturgical churches there are seasons that are followed and I keep thinking that my life right now is in green season.  Normal, everyday living.  It's not super glamorous or terribly interesting.  But I think it's important, just the same.

It's important that I make peace with my pant's size, encourage my kids to not give up when they are frustrated with things they are creating, that I sit and watch TV with Jon at the end of the day & make sure he has mayo for his sandwiches, when my grandpa come by that I am available to help him with his iPhone and when my mom comes to town that I am available for a quick trip to MCC.  They are such mundane things but they are of the greatest value and they matter.

When I was a teenager I used to spend hours walking alone, listening to my disc-man, praying.  Often those times were followed by creating something, anything really, and listening to more music.   I did not have a tonne of friends but that ones I did have, I cherished.

Somewhere between 26 & 27 I became someone utterly different.

And at 35 I imploded.

Because I am not created to be super busy and super social.

I am not a Martha.

I am a Mary.

Recently I have been reading about Enneagrams and upon figuring out my number (1 for those who are interested) I have been able to name and recognise shame and it has changed my world.  I carry a lot of shame for not being able to be who I was from 27 until 35.

Because she was amazing.

She did so much stuff and accomplished things I can't even begin to imagine today.

A part of me wishes to still be her.

But I'm not.

And I was not created to be her.

She was really angry a lot of the time, a control freak, arrogant, often unkind and running from her life all the time.

Praise Jesus I am not that woman anymore.

My heart is more tender and sensitive than I care to admit but after spending so many years being calloused, feeling pain is better than always being angry.

Anyway.  I guess this post is more for me than for you the reader but I think I have lost all my readers and this is more like a journal type thing.

Today we get a new furnace.  Which is awesome because our's might have been the first model of furnace that did not need coal.  

This is a slight exaggeration.  

Maybe our furnace is from the 1970's. They arrive at 7:15am to install the new one. A very exciting day for us!   

Also, today I am volunteering in kindergarten for the Valentines day party.  I am very curious to see what I will need to do with those little loves to celebrate this heart filled day.

Today.

Today I find out if I have cancer.
I had two biopsies done on two separate masses.


Usually my doctor's office tells me test results over the phone if they don't find anything. But yesterday, they told me I had to come in.  

Because they would not tell me over the phone, I am expecting the worst but deep down hoping for the best.

My people are amazing and I feel so taken care of.  My sweet husband was supposed to be out of town last night but he stayed home for me, my mom is coming out to watch the kids for the appointment and a cherished friend is going to drive me and be with me at the appointment.

I prayed last night that me and Jon could sleep and we both got about 7 hours solid so I am very thankful for answered prayers.

If you are inclined, please hold me and my family in your prayers today.