So.

Handing a bible to a random person in the hopes that it will 

"win" a lost soul over to Jesus is really naive at best and disrespectful at worst.

I know that it is done with the best of intentions.

But I keep having to apologise for your behaviour,

explain why you did that and distance myself from you.

I wrestle because I really love Jesus, with everything I am, and it feels wrong not defending what you have done.  Like I am betraying Christ by not condoning what you have done.

But handing a bible to a person is not spreading the gospel.

It's handing out a book to a person, who did not ask for one, with the assumption that all the answers for life are found in the bible if they would only read it.

(Side note: This is true, all answers are in the bible, but it is also not true.  The bible is a complicated book with nuance, truth and culture.  It was written over centuries and there is a reason people spend entire careers dedicated to understanding it and teaching the rest of us about what they figured out.  Just handing out a bible without any relationship or teaching about it makes little sense to me.)

In the year 2017, handing a bible out to a person (you have just met!)because you know they do not follow Jesus puts me in a really awkward position if I am friends with that person.

Especially when their response is anger.

Especially when I agree that anger is the appropriate response.

It seems to me that blindly handing out a bible 

carries a level of arrogance from the giver.  

The assumption is that everyone wants what you have, 

they just don't know it yet, so you can open their eyes. 

The unbeliever must be dumb and need convincing so they understand.

Assumptions are made about what a person believes and what their history with Jesus is.

And what exactly do you believe about the 
bible & life if your answer to hearing someones beliefs is to hand them a book and walk away?


This begs the question, Rachelle, 
what do YOU believe about the bible?

Good question!!

Truthfully, I have thought long and hard about this.
There was not an immediate response that jumped to mind.
Sunday school answers, yes.
But soul answers? That has taken some time.


Good or bad, 
right or wrong, 
this is what I believe about the bible.



1) It's a complicated book.

2) Because it's complicated I believe it 
can be misinterpreted and often is.  

3) This leads me think that ordinary lay people should not approach it thinking they can understand anything in it.

4) I disagree with point 3 on some levels but I do believe it.

5) The bible was written by humans.  Humans make mistakes and are affected by culture.  Many things in the bible are cultural truths, not eternal truths.

6)  God does not need the bible to speak to me.  But he sure does use it anyway.  With that said, it's usual by other people explaining it to me.

7)  Everything I think and believe must 
hold up to what the bible says is true.

8)  Some books of the bible are metaphor or stories, 
not actual events.

9)  The bible says that God holds all my tears in a bottle and I love that picture.  It speaks so much to me about who God is and how much he cares about me.  I need the bible to teach about the character of God.
(You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8)

10) It's scary to read the bible, because I might get it wrong.  What if I misinterpret it?  I don't trust myself to get it right.

So reading the Psalms is a safe place to go for me.

These are some of my thoughts.

Incomplete as they are, I will hit publish because this is taking a very very long time to wrestle through.

And dinner needs making, hugs given and laundry folded.  

Fidelity.

I often have single words pop into my head for no reason that I can figure out.  Yesterday, it was fidelity.

Usually when words pop in, they leave just as quickly.

But I have been pondering this word.

Google kindly gave me this definition.

"faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support"

When I die, I hope that fidelity is used to describe me.

About my marriage.

My faith.

My family.

My friendships.

Look at those cute little poultry!

I gave them to my mom for mother's day.

So, I am going to attempt blogging on a more regular basis with the sole intent being, when I go to apply for jobs in September I will put this blog on my resume.

And then they will read this blog, be dazzled by all things ME and hire me?????

I think it's a plan.

And I need a plan.

So I am going to run with it.

Yesterday Nav had 3 little friends over from school to celebrate the end of school.  The original plan was to put our tent outside, have a fire and roast wieners & marshmallows.

Well, it was very overcast so I went to plan B!

I set up the tent in the dining room!!

My favourite part of the afternoon was when they zipped up the tent and started playing Truth Or Dare, forgetting that I could hear everything.

Smores were made in the oven, giggles were abundant and everyone went home smiling.

It's a little fuzzy but I wanted you to see how HUGE those messy messy smores were!!

Today is Rohk's turn for a friend party.

The tent has been left up, he wanted to get all his friends recorders from the dollar store, eat ice cream and play video games.  So that is what we will do this afternoon!

   

I love that I can walk to school with my kids.

The sun shining, birds chirping, mini-vans racing by.

We move slowly.

It's a beautiful thing.

It takes a lot of effort on my part to protect a peaceful & calm morning.  Racing and fretting comes very naturally to me.  So I keep us on a schedule.  A gentle one, but one none the less.

TV until 8am.

Breakfast at the table.

Get Dressed, comb your hair.

Out the door around 8:30.

In that time I have a few cups of coffee, make Nav's lunch, shower, get dressed, tell the kids to stop fighting.

It works.

Next year Rohk is in grade 1 and I am at a loss.

Well.  That's not true.

I am holding onto my worries and fears very tightly and I believe that I am not fully surrendering them to Christ.

Because I don't want my life as I love it to change.

I like being home with my children.

I like being available.

I love the freedom I have.

I love that availability I have for relationships.

I really love so much about my life.

But money.

Wouldn't it be lovely to have more money?!

For a bigger house.  Because let's be honest folks, in a few more years my children won't be able to stand upright in their rooms.  Technically their bedrooms are storage because of the ceiling height.

Money.

For dental work, vacations.

My job, that I don't get paid for, is an important one.

Real meals, a listening ear, a hug, making coffee in the morning, bike rides, sitting at swimming lessons, getting the truck in for repairs, volunteering at church and school, being available when my grandpa stops in for help with his iPhone, support for my husband when work has been hard.

In the end, these are the coins I am holding so tightly.

Surrender is the only way.

In your mercy, hear the prayers and longings of my heart Lord Jesus.

Amen.

My sweet boy is currently playing cops & bad-guy with the boy next door.  Rohk just got pulled over for a loose headlight and needed to put his hands in the air. I laughed.

This morning I called our local organisation that takes care of people with disabilities.  The old man that waits to be picked up for work was left standing on the corner for over an hour.  I don't think they were expecting him, he has been gone for months.  After I hung up the phone, I went over to him as he was getting very agitated, informed him that his ride was coming and he settled immediately.

Nav has not been sleeping well and I find her on the couch more often then I would prefer.   Last night she informed me that her bed is very uncomfortable.  So today I have removed the box spring in hopes that this will bring more comfort.  That box spring was in horrible shape - no wonder she was not sleeping well!!

My Foodie girls will celebrate the end of our 8th-ish year.  I always forget what month and year we started in.  Last year was a doozey and I am looking forward to a new year, just the 5 of us.  I love the meal I have chosen for this year and I am looking forward to what the rest have chosen.   Foodie Club has been a constant in my life for so long, I cannot imagine my life without those women.  Last year conversation seemed more surface and laughter did not come as easily.  Now, I know why, and am hopeful that a night of lingering at Brazen will fix a lot of not spoken life being lived and needed to be shared conversations.

I am pretty sure that is a run-on sentence but it takes me so bloody long to type my thoughts I am just going to leave it.

In liturgical churches there are seasons that are followed and I keep thinking that my life right now is in green season.  Normal, everyday living.  It's not super glamorous or terribly interesting.  But I think it's important, just the same.

It's important that I make peace with my pant's size, encourage my kids to not give up when they are frustrated with things they are creating, that I sit and watch TV with Jon at the end of the day & make sure he has mayo for his sandwiches, when my grandpa come by that I am available to help him with his iPhone and when my mom comes to town that I am available for a quick trip to MCC.  They are such mundane things but they are of the greatest value and they matter.

When I was a teenager I used to spend hours walking alone, listening to my disc-man, praying.  Often those times were followed by creating something, anything really, and listening to more music.   I did not have a tonne of friends but that ones I did have, I cherished.

Somewhere between 26 & 27 I became someone utterly different.

And at 35 I imploded.

Because I am not created to be super busy and super social.

I am not a Martha.

I am a Mary.

Recently I have been reading about Enneagrams and upon figuring out my number (1 for those who are interested) I have been able to name and recognise shame and it has changed my world.  I carry a lot of shame for not being able to be who I was from 27 until 35.

Because she was amazing.

She did so much stuff and accomplished things I can't even begin to imagine today.

A part of me wishes to still be her.

But I'm not.

And I was not created to be her.

She was really angry a lot of the time, a control freak, arrogant, often unkind and running from her life all the time.

Praise Jesus I am not that woman anymore.

My heart is more tender and sensitive than I care to admit but after spending so many years being calloused, feeling pain is better than always being angry.

Anyway.  I guess this post is more for me than for you the reader but I think I have lost all my readers and this is more like a journal type thing.

Today we get a new furnace.  Which is awesome because our's might have been the first model of furnace that did not need coal.  

This is a slight exaggeration.  

Maybe our furnace is from the 1970's. They arrive at 7:15am to install the new one. A very exciting day for us!   

Also, today I am volunteering in kindergarten for the Valentines day party.  I am very curious to see what I will need to do with those little loves to celebrate this heart filled day.

Today.

Today I find out if I have cancer.
I had two biopsies done on two separate masses.


Usually my doctor's office tells me test results over the phone if they don't find anything. But yesterday, they told me I had to come in.  

Because they would not tell me over the phone, I am expecting the worst but deep down hoping for the best.

My people are amazing and I feel so taken care of.  My sweet husband was supposed to be out of town last night but he stayed home for me, my mom is coming out to watch the kids for the appointment and a cherished friend is going to drive me and be with me at the appointment.

I prayed last night that me and Jon could sleep and we both got about 7 hours solid so I am very thankful for answered prayers.

If you are inclined, please hold me and my family in your prayers today.

Why bother with this blog?  

I have been asking myself this question for the last month.

It seems presumptuous to assume that anyone would want to read the words I type here.   Self important or arrogant have been thoughts I have had.  


I can type whatever I want here, no one is holding me accountable.

And where I have landed is this:


To process my own life, I need to share it.  Because typed words are an outlet for me.  I need to express my thoughts to show myself what is in front of me.  Typing in this space is so different than journaling and I need the pressure of making sense to organise my thoughts.  

Quietly, mentally sorting my thoughts is not working for me.   

My brain is running constantly.   And I am alone often.  So these thoughts swirl.  Sometimes I talk about them with my people, but often, I choose not to.    Because the world does not revolve around the random things going through my head and conversation is a ball.  You pass it around like playing catch.

That may be THE ONLY sporty analogy you ever read in this space.

So, I will carry on posting.  Probably more frequently now that I have given myself permission, that blogging is ok, and good for me.

As I put these thoughts down I am listening to Enter The Worship Circle (1000 Portraits and Waterdeep).  It has been on repeat for the last week.  It was released in 1999.   I have been listening to it for almost that long.  

Currently my favourite is Whatever Thing.

"Whatever thing that I have carried in this place
That will keep me from You
I will lay it at Your feet
Whatever burden I have carried for so long
That will keep me from seeing You
I will lay it down right now
All of the things that are cluttering my mind
I will push them far from here
And listen for Your voice
All of the pain that I am carrying inside
I will hand it to You
You will take it, set me free, I will fly
I need to hear You speak to me
And I want to feel You in this place
You long to take me in Your arms of love
So take me in Your arms of love"

It reminds of Henry Nouwen's thoughts on praying and holding coins we don't want to give up.  I think he talks about this in his book With Open Hands.   My mom currently has my book so I can't give you a direct quote at this time.

I'm very helpful.  You're welcome.

I do recommend reading it.  It's very good.

Currently I am reading Mere Christianity.

I have never read it before and it felt like the right time.

So often these days I find myself in conversations where right and wrong seems to be up for debate and I like his approach.  He has a way of distilling things down in a way that is palatable to my way of thinking.

So far my favourite chapter has been "The Rival Conceptions of God"

A quote.

"If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all the other religions are simply wrong all through...  But, of course, being a Christian does mean thinking that where Christianity differs from other religions, Christianity is right and they are wrong."

You see, I am longing for the black and whites of my faith.  Because I do believe in right and wrong and I reject the notion that they don't exist.   And just because I want black & whites does not make me merciless or legalistic.  I see so many areas where thinking Christian's have questioned their faith and in some instances, yes, I agree with the outcome and am glad for the questioning.  But there are other areas where I think "I'm sure that's a heresy."   

Are these new thoughts?  Absolutely not.  But they are important even if they are not original.

This is what I desire to live.

"Love the lord your God, with all your heart, soul and mind.  Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way's acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."  

Because I am no longer on Facebook I set up this blog that you can now subscribe to it and you will get notification when I post.

That's it, that's all!

     

2016, we had a complicated relationship.

I am glad to see you go but I will remember you with some fondness.

2016 was a year of illness, recovery, watching ALL of "Call The Midwife" while resting in bed for weeks and weeks followed by months and months of just being at home.  I said "No." so often to those that I love because of fatigue.

It has been delightful for me to start saying "Yes!" in recent months.  And I have been DELIGHTED that I still have friends after disappearing for so long.

2016 saw us have the best summer we have had in years and camping with friends was a highlight as well as stock car races with my mom & dad. 

This summer was also Naveed's first time at bible camp, an event that still get's brought up nearly every week she loved it so much.

Rohk gained great independence this summer learning to ride his bike without training wheels and was allowed to cross the street on his own to ask the neighbour kids to play.

2016 brought healing to years old wounds of my heart.  Forgiveness is something that I have to choose over and over again.  My emotional memories run deep (often the details of the pain are forgotten but the feelings linger) and my hurt feelings have a way of re-surfacing.  And each time, I bring them before Christ, asking for help, choosing to forgive again by His strength and help.  

Going into 2017 I long for more laughter and light hardheartedness.

My only desire for 2017 would be for joy in spite of what this year brings.  Life can so often be heavy and hard, at least it has been for me, and my propensity for melancholy is amazing.

I want to be someone that weathers what comes with 

grace and joy, forgiveness and patience.   

All things that don't always come naturally to me but I think are a worthy pursuit.

Do you ever wonder what Jesus laughing would sound like?

Because there must have been times he just sat around with his friends laughing at something from the day.

Anyway.  That was a rabbit trail.

From Valley of Vision (Puritan Prayers)

my prayer for me, my family and for my friends who would like this.

"Though has loved me before the foundation of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul;

Thou dost love me still,

in spite of my hard heart,

ingratitude,

distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me another year,

leading me through a twisting wilderness,

in retreat helping me to advance,

when beaten back making sure headway.

Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead.

Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,

as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

Amen."