Why bother with this blog?  

I have been asking myself this question for the last month.

It seems presumptuous to assume that anyone would want to read the words I type here.   Self important or arrogant have been thoughts I have had.  


I can type whatever I want here, no one is holding me accountable.

And where I have landed is this:


To process my own life, I need to share it.  Because typed words are an outlet for me.  I need to express my thoughts to show myself what is in front of me.  Typing in this space is so different than journaling and I need the pressure of making sense to organise my thoughts.  

Quietly, mentally sorting my thoughts is not working for me.   

My brain is running constantly.   And I am alone often.  So these thoughts swirl.  Sometimes I talk about them with my people, but often, I choose not to.    Because the world does not revolve around the random things going through my head and conversation is a ball.  You pass it around like playing catch.

That may be THE ONLY sporty analogy you ever read in this space.

So, I will carry on posting.  Probably more frequently now that I have given myself permission, that blogging is ok, and good for me.

As I put these thoughts down I am listening to Enter The Worship Circle (1000 Portraits and Waterdeep).  It has been on repeat for the last week.  It was released in 1999.   I have been listening to it for almost that long.  

Currently my favourite is Whatever Thing.

"Whatever thing that I have carried in this place
That will keep me from You
I will lay it at Your feet
Whatever burden I have carried for so long
That will keep me from seeing You
I will lay it down right now
All of the things that are cluttering my mind
I will push them far from here
And listen for Your voice
All of the pain that I am carrying inside
I will hand it to You
You will take it, set me free, I will fly
I need to hear You speak to me
And I want to feel You in this place
You long to take me in Your arms of love
So take me in Your arms of love"

It reminds of Henry Nouwen's thoughts on praying and holding coins we don't want to give up.  I think he talks about this in his book With Open Hands.   My mom currently has my book so I can't give you a direct quote at this time.

I'm very helpful.  You're welcome.

I do recommend reading it.  It's very good.

Currently I am reading Mere Christianity.

I have never read it before and it felt like the right time.

So often these days I find myself in conversations where right and wrong seems to be up for debate and I like his approach.  He has a way of distilling things down in a way that is palatable to my way of thinking.

So far my favourite chapter has been "The Rival Conceptions of God"

A quote.

"If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all the other religions are simply wrong all through...  But, of course, being a Christian does mean thinking that where Christianity differs from other religions, Christianity is right and they are wrong."

You see, I am longing for the black and whites of my faith.  Because I do believe in right and wrong and I reject the notion that they don't exist.   And just because I want black & whites does not make me merciless or legalistic.  I see so many areas where thinking Christian's have questioned their faith and in some instances, yes, I agree with the outcome and am glad for the questioning.  But there are other areas where I think "I'm sure that's a heresy."   

Are these new thoughts?  Absolutely not.  But they are important even if they are not original.

This is what I desire to live.

"Love the lord your God, with all your heart, soul and mind.  Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way's acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."  

Because I am no longer on Facebook I set up this blog that you can now subscribe to it and you will get notification when I post.

That's it, that's all!

     

2016, we had a complicated relationship.

I am glad to see you go but I will remember you with some fondness.

2016 was a year of illness, recovery, watching ALL of "Call The Midwife" while resting in bed for weeks and weeks followed by months and months of just being at home.  I said "No." so often to those that I love because of fatigue.

It has been delightful for me to start saying "Yes!" in recent months.  And I have been DELIGHTED that I still have friends after disappearing for so long.

2016 saw us have the best summer we have had in years and camping with friends was a highlight as well as stock car races with my mom & dad. 

This summer was also Naveed's first time at bible camp, an event that still get's brought up nearly every week she loved it so much.

Rohk gained great independence this summer learning to ride his bike without training wheels and was allowed to cross the street on his own to ask the neighbour kids to play.

2016 brought healing to years old wounds of my heart.  Forgiveness is something that I have to choose over and over again.  My emotional memories run deep (often the details of the pain are forgotten but the feelings linger) and my hurt feelings have a way of re-surfacing.  And each time, I bring them before Christ, asking for help, choosing to forgive again by His strength and help.  

Going into 2017 I long for more laughter and light hardheartedness.

My only desire for 2017 would be for joy in spite of what this year brings.  Life can so often be heavy and hard, at least it has been for me, and my propensity for melancholy is amazing.

I want to be someone that weathers what comes with 

grace and joy, forgiveness and patience.   

All things that don't always come naturally to me but I think are a worthy pursuit.

Do you ever wonder what Jesus laughing would sound like?

Because there must have been times he just sat around with his friends laughing at something from the day.

Anyway.  That was a rabbit trail.

From Valley of Vision (Puritan Prayers)

my prayer for me, my family and for my friends who would like this.

"Though has loved me before the foundation of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul;

Thou dost love me still,

in spite of my hard heart,

ingratitude,

distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me another year,

leading me through a twisting wilderness,

in retreat helping me to advance,

when beaten back making sure headway.

Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead.

Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,

as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

Amen."