This weekend I threw a very last minute surprise party for a dear friend of mine.

And it struck me, after everyone had gone home, that I am out of practice hosting large groups of people.

I don't move with ease in a crowd, in my home, like I used to.  So much of these days involve me re-defining myself and I am not who I was and maybe this new me is not as good at hosting?

In the olden days, getting ready for a large group of people involved barking orders at my family for the entire time before guests arrived and running around like a mad woman trying to make all my ideas a reality.  And oh did I have ideas for my parties! They were almost always elaborate and theme based.  By the time everyone arrived I would be kind of hyper and amped up.  What I had envisioned would be real and it was time to have fun!

These days, I don't really have big party plans when I host an event.  That just stresses me out.  Most parties are now very last minute and un-planned.  Prior to guests arriving I am more likely to be watching a show with my kids or checking my emails.  I feel very calm by the time friends arrive but that is not always what is needed for a fun host!

I am not making apologies and I don't feel the need for assurances.

This just seems to be my current state of mind.

This morning I looked at some lovely dinner party tables that I would love to sit at.

And, maybe one day, I will create a beautiful table display that took me weeks to prepare for.  Friends will be invited and fun will be had.  And I will be the consummate host.

Or not.

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