Hello All!

Well, as I am sure you have noticed, my post's have not been as frequent as they have been.  In all honesty, April was a boring and simultaneously difficult month, and it seemed to me, that there was not much to document and share.

As of late, I have been pondering what it is to have a vision or purpose in this life.  After so many years and months of living in survival mode, it is difficult for me to dream and have hope for a future.  This weekend Jon and me were childless (thank you parents for the sleep over!) and we decided to roam around Ikea.  I wanted to turn around and leave after a few short minutes.  What was the point of looking at anything?  We can't buy a bloody thing.  And won't be able to for years.  What was the point.

But my dreamless thoughts go beyond being at Ikea.  I wrestle down my hopelessness often these days.

It was easier when I just had to power through my days for the sake of my children and Jon.  It was easier when I knew the stress of Jon owning his own business.  It was easier when I knew that I was going to be tired from only 4 hours of broken sleep a night.  (I did that for over 5 years!  I can do tired.)  When I was being tested for the lump in my breast, I had to be brave.  When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had to get my blood sugar numbers down.  Jon had a catastrophe at work? I better be strong.  Can't pay our bills?  I know how to talk to creditors calling for money!  Being sued?  Hello bankruptcy.  Survival mode is a curious thing and I rose to the challenge in some very difficult circumstances.     

But now what?  Jon has a good job that he likes with regular pay.  Rohk and Naveed sleep through the night the majority of the time now.  My lump turned out to be nothing and my diabetes is under control.  Our bills are paid and the only people that call me these days are friends and family.

And I'm lost.  And I hate that.  I should be more grounded now, not less.

My future used to be so immediate. I never had to think about a real future.  Future plans involved what I was going to do for the weekend.  I had no future beyond that.  There was no point.

But now I do and I'm scared.  I don't want to mess it up.  I don't want to fail.  I feel so fragile.

A dear friend gave me the book One Thousand Gifts and I am working my way through it.  The author talks about being thankful and how that changes your perspective in every circumstance.  

I have been trying to put that into practice in my life.

So, after the emotional purge that has been this blog post, some things I am truly thankful for this morning.

My children are not babies.  I love that.

Jon and me had a wonderful weekend together

Coffee.  Always.

My church service is not being cancelled

Notes pinned up on my desk full of prayers from loved ones

Slippers from my grandma

Baking I can eat

Well.  I have no idea how to end this.  I have no answers and I don't think there are any.  

Only time and Christ will heal my heal my heart from battle fatigue.

The End