I miss my grandma.

I hear her singing harmonies when I sing hymns at church.

I can hear her laughing when I think to remember it.

There were a few times I made her cry because of my fiesty-ness and my inability to bow to her demands.

She made me cry a few times because of her guilt trips and bluntness.

Nobody makes fried potatoes like she did and we are all missing a good thing because of her absence.

There was that one time I told her I wanted a purple room and I came home after school and she had painted my room a pale lavender.  I had really wanted a dark purple but I was informed her choice was a better one.

One summer, in between my first and second year of college, I lived with my grandparents.  I cherish that summer.  It afforded me an understanding of my grandma and my heritage that I treasure to this day.

My mom brought me over a picture of the time I had my wedding dress fitting and my grandma was there.  I had forgotten that.

When my dad owned a furniture store in Marathon ON, my grandma put on skits with me and my sister.   Shadow plays where she pulled out random objects from our stomachs.  Oh we laughed!!  

I really miss my grandma.

I really wish she could be here these days.

More than anything I want to go out for lunch with her and catch up.  I always knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she was my cheerleader in this life.  She loved me.  I always knew when she was proud of me.

And when she wasn't!!

She was sick for a long time and deteriorated into someone unrecognisable from her healthy self.  

Those days leave an impression.  She was there and gone at the same time.

The last time I saw my grandma she was asleep in bed, in the hospital, with her mouth gaping open, lightly snoring.  Nav was 6 weeks old with problems so and I had limited time to see my grandma before it was time to get back.

I still remember what I was wearing.  I wanted to look nice for her. I went in my office work clothes.

I was sad she was sleeping but there was no way I was going to wake her.  So I sat in the corner for a while, watching her sleep, sad that we could not talk.

And then I left.

I found out she had died while I was at a cabin Jon was working on.  We were all camping out there, trying to figure out our new family dynamic.  I don't remember who called me but I remember not being able to stop crying.  Gasping, really.

I wonder why I miss her so much these days, and I don't have a real answer for myself.

In part, I really want to know how proud she is of me.  I want her approval for the service I co-lead at church, I want her to take my kids berry picking, I so badly want to go to the Olive Garden with her.  Or some other random restaurant.  I loved going out with her.



When I left the hospital, I touched her foot and said "Goodbye, I love you grandma."  I just remembered that.

For years I have been saddened because I never said goodbye.

I am glad I pushed into these memories or I would not have remembered that!