Retroactive sorrow

It took me all week to figure out why I have been wrestling with tears and this is what I have landed on.

And now I will sit here, with my decaffeinated coffee (because I don't want to be awake past 12am) trying to articulate what I have sorrow about.


Now, where to begin?

 Sorrow.  A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment or other misfortune.

(I like defining words so everybody knows what I mean.)

In the last 6 months I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a major accident happened on one of Jon's work sites, a lump was found in my left breast and we went bankrupt.

Through all this I have done my best to stay strong, sane, hopeful, prayerful, kind, take care of my family, make time for my friends, tried to not give into pity parties, get my blood sugar levels normal, come to terms with dying, homeschool Naveed, be up with Rohk at night, support Jon, keep my house clean, learn to accept help graciously, remember who I am in the face of trials.

But don't fall apart.  There is no room to fall apart.

I was full to bursting with sorrow but it did not serve me to acknowledge it and let it wash over me.  Better to put it on a shelf until later.

Now later is here and I find myself tearing up over nothing.  It takes effort to get through my days in a different way than what I am accustomed to.  

My blood sugar levels are good by diet alone.

We are bankrupt so any fall out from the work accident is taken care of with that.

Jon has a job he likes.

The lump turned out to be nothing.

We can pay our bills.

I want to lick my wounds now, please.
The fight is over and I am so tired.

But I am so confused and wandering around aimlessly.  Battle weary.  I don't know what to do with peace and calm.  But I know they are good.

I had to give my self permission to relax last week.  I started to tear up and I stopped myself.

I didn't have time to cry.

But my sorrows have been real and felt deeply.  It's time to make some room in my life for tears to flow.

Pain turns into sorrow
And sorrow’s how you heal
And the crops will show tomorrow
For it’s rain'n in the field 
If I lie down in the winter
Will I wake up in the spring

I need a boat to cross the river of suffering

by KS Rhoads, River of Suffering